


Counting

by nikniknik



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Character Study, Complete, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-24 02:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1588661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikniknik/pseuds/nikniknik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward should have learned at some point during his life that when his curiosity led him to dark places such as these that he would be better moving on or looking the other way. Instead he spends long hours into the night working on a problem he doesn't need to solve. Oneshot, very short, spoilers, not a happy fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting

It had taken a lot of research. Hours spent pouring over texts, discussing the energetic requirements of medical alchemy with Al and Mei, pouring one more time over Marcoh’s research. But eventually he had a formula. It was…theoretical to say the least. He’d never be able to test if he was right, nor would he want anyone else to find out in all honesty. Still, he had to know. 

Yet when he finally had a revised version of the calculations he needed, his hand shook on the pencil it held. He put the pencil down, and held his head in his hands a moment, steadying his breathing. Would knowing really help anything? What would it change? Nothing. It wouldn’t change anything. But as always, he had to  _know_. 

Not letting himself hesitate any longer Ed put the last few numbers into his formula and finished the final conversion from hours to years. He took one last steadying breath and wrote out the number 14.06. He would die 14.06 years younger than he would have without using his own soul as transmutation energy. 14.06 fewer years with his brother and wife and children. The number hung heavily in his mind. It was just an isolated number, and with no definitive date of how long his life would have been otherwise it was basically useless. 

But the average lifespan of a male was around 63 years old. He was forty five. He couldn’t stop his brain from doing the math. He got up from his desk with a start, accidentally shoving his chair to the ground as he did. He didn’t bother to right it. 

He didn’t regret it. He couldn’t regret it of course. It wasn’t really comparing dying at 63 to dying at 49, because if he hadn’t done it he’d have died at 15. He hadn’t lost 14.06 years, he’d gained 34. But for all his justification, he couldn’t keep his chest from tightening or his hands from trembling. He could feel his age in a way that felt premature. Numbers crawled behind his eyes as he walked down the dim hallways of his house, and numbers rattled against his skull when he quietly opened the door to his bedroom. 

He’d faced death so many times before. He climbed into bed. He had been afraid, terrified even, each of those times. He carefully slipped an arm around Winry’s sleeping waist and held himself close to her. He’d fought back and he’d kept going against impossible odds. He breathed deep. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this sense of inevitability before. Winry stirred in his arms and her small soft movements pushed the clamoring numbers and percentages back just a little.

"mM, you’re still up?" she said in a groggy mumble, eyes blearily blinking open. Edward nuzzled into the back of her neck a little, an apology for waking her.

"Yeah. Just a bit of late night work." She yawned and relaxed back into his embrace closing her eyes and settling back down on the pillow. Face content, body soft and breath even she managed one more question.

"What were you working on?"

"Oh just….doing some math."

**Author's Note:**

> Easiest way to make me hurt inside is to think of Ed dying young and leaving behind children. I didn't manage to make this as chock full of his Daddy issues as I would have wanted to, but hopefully it should still be gut-punchy enough anyway.


End file.
